The Passing Progressive Parade (2a)

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Not a Good Look, Wealthy Progressives!

In a recent post I satirically proposed that our wealthy Progressive betters “can convince the deplorable masses through leadership by example” on immigration policy.  Little did I know that a mere day later an article would be published titled “San Francisco: wealthy opponents of new shelter claim homeless are bad for environment.”  This article adds more proof (as if more were needed) that in this time of Progressive dominance reality is making satire obsolete.

I mean really, even the Babylon Bee couldn’t make this stuff up.  From the article in question (emphasis added):

The wealthy San Francisco residents who launched a crowdfunding campaign to block construction of a new homeless shelter in their waterfront neighborhood are employing a new tactic: arguing that homeless people are bad for the environment.

In a lawsuit filed against the city of San Francisco and the California State Lands Commission, the residents called for the project to undergo an environmental review before breaking ground.

“This project will have a significant effect on the environment due to these unusual circumstances, including by attracting additional homeless persons, open drug and alcohol use, crime, daily emergency calls, public urination and defecation, and other nuisances,” the lawsuit states.

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San Francisco human poop map.

But, BUT, these are the exact conditions that residents of and visitors to San Francisco are forced to endure when they walk the streets of this previously beautiful city!  And, AND, the policies that have led to this appalling state are those demanded by the very same wealthy, virtue signaling people who are trying to keep their neighborhood free from these same conditions.

I guess leading by example isn’t in the cards.

Their position is: “Our superior virtue is proved by the extent of suffering that we are willing to impose on the less fortunate in pursuit of our utopia!”

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The Passing Progressive Parade (2)

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Time to Put Up on Illegal Immigration

Background

I think that it’s time for our Progressive betters to put up or shut up about illegal immigration.  You’d have to be living in a cave to not notice the hectoring, highhanded, contemptuous onslaught of moral preening by Progressives on this issue.  There can no longer be any doubt that this elite and wealthy cohort supports a policy of “open borders.”

A majority of the Democrat Party base believes in open borders.

But Democrats’ response on the hot-button issue of immigrants being allowed to remain in the United States if they make it to the border was stunning. The pollster asked, “Do you think that people who make it across our border illegally should be allowed to stay in the country or sent home?”

… A staggering 53 percent of Democrats polled, however, believe that any immigrant that makes it to America’s borders should be allowed to stay.

The Democrat presidential candidates have also endorsed open borders.

There’s one clear policy takeaway from the second Democratic debate in Miami on Thursday night — the Democratic candidates are pushing for de facto open borders.

In a stunning moment, every single candidate on stage, including the leaders of the pack — former Vice President Joe Biden and Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders — raised their hands to signal their support for government-run health care that covers illegal immigrants.  …

Later in the debate, all but one of the candidates again raised their hands, this time to signal they would decriminalize border crossings.

What these developments mean are:

  1. The Democrat Party wants anyone of the 6+ billion people living outside of the United States to be able to enter without limit and without anyone knowing who they are;
  2. The U.S. taxpaying citizens will be obligated to provide free health care and other social services to this unlimited population of immigrants.
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Top 25 wealthiest U.S. counties and how they voted in the 2016 Presidential election (Blue = D, Red = R).

Where exactly do these wealthy Progressives expect this uncontrolled mass of humanity to live?  Certainly not in their upscale, gated and protected communities!  No, these immigrants of unknown origins and intentions will be living in communities without the wealth and political muscle to keep newcomers out.  Thus it will be the less prosperous areas that suffer the school crowding, increased crime, health care system overload and culture shock of mass, uncontrolled immigration.

But there’s a problem.  These Progressive moral betters haven’t yet been able to convince a majority of the general public to support this policy.  This in spite of a decades long campaign to do so.  Clearly a new persuasion strategy is sorely needed.

The Wealthy Progressive’s Put Up Strategy

Let’s start with what is known for sure about the Progressive elite:

  • They are far wealthier than the typical U.S. citizen;
  • They are far more altruistic and generally moral (because they do endlessly say so themselves) than their fellow citizens;
  • Unlike their typical fellow citizens, they are not controlled by ignorant fear, but rather are the fearless vanguard of a utopian world order (because they do endlessly say so themselves).
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Nancy Pelosi’s Napa Valley compound could accommodate hundreds of open borders immigrants.

Therefore, the Progressive elites can convince the deplorable masses through leadership by example, that being:

  • Since these wealthy individuals live in large homes with guest bedrooms and cottages, they commit to putting up signs that invite anyone who wishes to take up residence in their homes.
  • Commit to meeting all of the human needs (after all, these are human rights!) of every person who takes up residence in their home.
  • Commit to expanding community institutions and services to meet the needs of these welcomed guests (without limit and without cost to the immigrants).
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Look at all the unused space in the wealthiest county in the U.S., Loudoun County VA (near Washington D.C., of course).  Just think how many open borders immigrants could live there in utter harmony with its morally superior Progressive community!

By showing the unwilling how they have nothing to fear, how they have nothing to lose, how beautifully this all works out, our Progressive betters will shame us deplorables into accepting their open borders policy!  After all, don’t the elite Progressives endlessly say that the wealthy aren’t doing their “fair share?”  Here’s your opportunity to turn that propaganda statement into lived reality!

Don’t let us down you mighty moral betters!

The Passing Progressive Parade (1b)

Progressives Abandon Effort to Educate Trump Voters Out of Their Moronic Hatred, Now will Leverage it to Their Advantage (Part 2)

BERKELEY, June 28, 2019 -- by Mack Tool and Patricia Hack

This is Part 2 of a two-part series on the always brilliant Progressive movement’s strategic direction.

After great altruistic effort to educate Trump voters, the Progressive movement has made a radical strategic change in direction.  Multiple current and past members of the Progressive inner-sanctum (who wish to remain anonymous) have revealed this strategy exclusively to Morning Woke.

Having sorrowfully concluded that this voting block is indeed comprised of irredeemable hateful morons, the Progressive movement will from now on seek to hijack and then direct this hate to their political advantage.  The key insight is that, since these voters have virtually nothing but primitive brain-stem mental capability, they can be easily reprogrammed to serve Progressive goals.

The “Canuck Threat” (Phase 1)

Given that Trump voters are inherently xenophobic, the Progressive movement will reorient that hatred from the U.S./Mexican to the U.S./Canadian border.  Hollywood will subsequently begin cranking out movies and shows in which terroristic Canadian villains threaten all that we hold dear in the United States.  The Mainstream Media will simultaneously begin publishing stories about the “Canuck Hordes” that are massing just north of the U.S. border.  Google searches on “illegal immigration” will return links to the Canadian threat and the auto-fill feature will only include Canadian suggestions.  The dim-witted Trump voters in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin will see images such as the following plastered on bill-boards and mass media sites accompanied with terrifying commentary.

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They started by dominating hockey, now they’ve conquered pro basketball, next they’ll invade our nation and destroy our way of life!

Images showing that the Mexican population is distributed in an unthreatening manner will also become prevalent in the mass media.

US-Mexico-Border

The nation of Mexico has moved its population far from the border to show that they have no intentions of illegally entering the U.S.!

Finally, an intense propaganda campaign will be launched that claims Trump has been lying to the American people about the real source of danger.

trump-putin

Why would Trump have lied to you about the Canuck Threat?  Because he’s a puppet under the mind control of Vladimir Putin!

By these means Trump voters will become convinced that the real threat is located in Canada and that Trump, as a traitorous Russian puppet, has been lying to them.

Progressive Heroes to the Rescue (Phase 2)

Having convinced Trump voters of the Canuck Threat, the Democrat Presidential Nominee (blessed be Agender/Androgyne/Androgynous/Bigender/Cis/Cis Female/Cis Male/Cis Man/Cis Woman/Cisgender/Cisgender Female/Cisgender Male/Cisgender Man/Cisgender Woman/Female to Male/FTM/Gender Fluid/Gender Nonconforming/Gender Questioning/Gender Variant/Genderqueer/Intersex/Male to Female/MTF/Neither/Neutrois/Non-binary/Other/Pangender/Trans/Trans Female/Trans Male/Trans Man/Trans Person/Trans Woman/Trans*/Trans* Female/Trans* Male/Trans* Man/Trans* Person/Trans* Woman/Transfeminine/Transgender/Transgender Female/Transgender Male/Transgender Man/Transgender Person/Transgender Woman/Transmasculine/Transsexual/Transsexual Female/Transsexual Male/Transsexual Man/Transsexual Person/Transsexual Woman/Two-spirit‘s name) will propose building a massive defensive wall on the U.S./Canada border.  After winning the election tens of billions of dollars will be allocated to this wall.

However, since the Canadian threat in nonexistent, the wall will be made from corrugated cardboard covered with polyurethane. Thus it will cost only 1% of the allocated money.  The other 99% will go to Socialist dominated trade unions who will contribute a large portion back to the Democrat Party.  Thus Trump will be defeated, his voters will become Progressive voters and the Democrat Party will be able to outspend Republicans at a 10:1 ratio in future elections.  By this means we will finally be able to bring the Socialist utopia into being!



Some might ask why we are publishing this strategy given that it might tip-off Trump voters.  However, we have concluded that they don’t have the curiosity to seek out non-neo-Nazi / white supremacist web sites or the intellectual capacity to understand should they stumble into this information.

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Oh great and wise high-priestess of Progressivism, lead our vanguard of the superior on to the Socialist Green Promised Land!

The Passing Progressive Parade (1a)

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Question asked and answered…NO!

Progressives Abandon Effort to Educate Trump Voters Out of Their Moronic Hatred, Now will Leverage it to Their Advantage (Part 1)

BERKELEY, June 26, 2019 -- by Mack Tool and Patricia Hack

Leading Progressives have just completed a strategic directions conference in Berkeley California at which a major change in direction was debated and overwhelmingly ratified.  Although the official document is shrouded in the secrecy necessary to ensure maximum public transparency and participation, Morning Woke has obtained  reliable information on the content from current and former members of the Progressive movement who wish to remain anonymous.

Previous to this change Progressives had sought to influence voters who eventually became the Trump base by encouragement and education.  The first national politician to identify and constructively engage with this cohort was Barack Obama (blessed be His name) in the 2008 Presidential campaign.  After campaigning in Pennsylvania Senator Obama offered up these words of educational encouragement to a humility-filled Progressive audience in San Francisco.

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

Since Mr. Obama carried Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin in both the 2008 and 2012 presidential elections the Progressive movement’s leadership became convinced that these words of wisdom has sufficed to divert these needy loser communities from “bitter clingism.”

However, in the 2016 presidential election cycle the ever wise and perceptive Hillary Clinton (blessed be Her name) began to sense an almost imperceptible (to common folk) ripple in the political force.  Noting the previous success of President Obama’s strategy, she commented on this disturbance at a LGBT for Hillary Gala in New York City.

You know, just to be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people, now have 11 million. He tweets and retweets offensive, hateful, mean-spirited rhetoric. Now some of those folks, they are irredeemable. But thankfully they are not America.

To the utter shock and amazement of the Progressive movement, this kindly educational guidance turned out to be “casting pearls before swine.”  Rather than thanking Mrs. Clinton, these “irredeemable deplorables” in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin rose up as a “stiff necked people” voting against their moral and intellectual betters!

Rather than rethinking their engagement strategy (due to their kindly and humble nature), Progressives (and their Never-Trump fellow travelers) increased their educational efforts, summarized in the following excerpt from The Guardian.

Stories marveling at the stupidity of Trump voters are published nearly every day. Articles that accuse Trump’s followers of being bigots have appeared by the hundreds, if not the thousands. Conservatives have written them; liberals have written them; impartial professionals have written them. The headline of a recent Huffington Post column announced, bluntly, that “Trump Won Super Tuesday Because America is Racist.” A New York Times reporter proved that Trump’s followers were bigots by coordinating a map of Trump support with a map of racist Google searches. Everyone knows it: Trump’s followers’ passions are nothing more than the ignorant blurtings of the white American id, driven to madness by the presence of a black man in the White House. The Trump movement is a one-note phenomenon, a vast surge of race-hate. Its partisans are not only incomprehensible, they are not really worth comprehending.

More in sorrow than anger the Progressive movement has decided to abandon this strategy of positive educational engagement.  Since these people have shown themselves to be irredeemable a new and brilliant strategy of leveraging their moronic ignorance has been embraced.

This strategy will be revealed in Part 2.

 

Collusion 2.0!

Squirrel-Power

CNN’s Brian Stelter confirmed the mainstream media’s new philosophy for covering the Trump Presidency by stating that “speculation actually has value, too.”

The Elites Strike Back

A professor rumored to be an acquaintance of former FBI Director James Comey has leaked documents to the Washington Post claiming that President Donald Trump’s administration has actually colluded with the Russians.  The documents contain information suggesting that the administration collaborated with the Russians to smuggle highly trained squirrels into the United States as a means of sabotage.  The squirrels in question are trained in secret Russian laboratories to chew through power lines, thus destroying the U.S. power grid that is used, among other things, to enable mainstream media operations.

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Paul Krugman, hero of press freedom!

Paul Krugman, in a hard-hitting New York Times editorial thundered that “This is almost certainly another Trump Administration attack on freedom of the press.”  He went on to suggest that a gulag archipelago is likely being constructed in northern Alaska under Sarah Palin’s leadership to imprison “every American that doesn’t own a Bible and at least one gun.”

Anonymous sources with knowledge of this matter have informed the Post that these squirrels may be smuggled into the U.S. by Tea Party members.  The Washington Post’s investigation has uncovered that exactly 244,137 power outages were caused by these Russian trained saboteur squirrels in 2018 alone.  Sources also darkly suggest that in 2016 the squirrels were specifically targeted on the Clinton campaign and the DNC.

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This time we’ll get him for sure!

CNN and MSNBC have picked up and run with this new accusation.  John Brennan, former Director of the CIA, appeared on the Rachel Maddow show, saying that, if true, these accusations prove that the President is “nothing short of treasonous.”  When asked to explain this statement Brennan responded by saying “I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your notice that Trump didn’t confront Putin about the squirrel issue at their joint press conference.”

James Clapper, the former-DNI said on CNN’s Reliable Sources that these new accusations are “pretty devastating.”  James Comey himself was quoted by the Post, “This accusation is just another example of how President Trump falls so completely short of the higher loyalty that has made me the unique arbiter of political morality and legitimacy.”

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Adam Schiff says “Trust me!”

When reached for comment, Congressman Adam Schiff said, “Now that we have created an enlightened philosophy of justice based on the Brett Kavanaugh and Mueller Report presidents, it will be exceedingly difficult for President Trump to prove his innocence beyond a reasonable doubt.”  He also said, “I’m certain that information proving President Trump’s guilt will really come into my possession this time, trust me.”

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Give me “my precious!”

Nancy Pelosi released a statement saying that she’s “reconsidering her opposition to impeachment” given the “seriousness of these new charges.”  Hillary Clinton released a press statement withdrawing her concession in the 2016 Presidential election and demanding that President Trump “hand over my precious immediately.”

President Trump Tweeted that this new accusation is “just a continuation of the political witch hunt by the fake-news media.”  Jake Tapper of CNN responded by saying this is “proof positive that the President is already obstructing what could become an official Special Prosecutor investigation.”

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Acosta: “This time we have actual proof of a crime!”

When Sarah Sanders, the President’s Press Secretary, challenged the mainstream media’s unofficial spokesperson, Jim Acosta, by claiming that this was just another unfounded accusation he placed a box of 27 dead squirrels, some of which were still smoking, on the table.  Acosta delivered the coup de grace by saying in a voice that deplorables consider sanctimonious but elite media personnel recognize as conveying total moral authority: “This time we have actual proof of a crime!”

A Tutorial on “Wokeness” for Old White Men (3)

McGrath-Doyle

What’s this? It turns out that Titania McGrath (left) is really Andrew Doyle (right).  Or maybe to us newly woke it’s not that simple.

Putting My New Wokeness into Practice

Ok, so to you poor sleeping old white men out there the discovery that our woke guru isn’t actually:

“a radical intersectionalist poet committed to feminism, social justice, and armed peaceful protest. A regular on the live-slam poetry scene, Titania regularly performs at arts festivals, deconsecrated churches, and genderqueer spiritual retreats.”

but is rather:

the satirical invention of Andrew Doyle, a former Oxford postgraduate student

completely discredits “her” guidance.

But, now that I’m hip to woke I don’t see why anything should change.  After all, I can choose “my truth” to be that Andrew Doyle actually identifies as a woke gay white woman.  Therefore (s)he is no less a credible source for politically correct guidance than is anyone else!  After all, we all know that gender is just a social construct and that words have no fixed meaning.  So, what does it even mean that Andrew Doyle is a “man” or that he(?) meant Titania to be a “satirical invention?”  I choose to believe that Titania is just Andrew’s true self fighting to become free of all gender-normative, heterocentric, and racial constraints.  You go Titania!

And so, I hereby claim that I’m far more woke than the drowsy old rags who took exception to Titania’s brilliance:

The absolutely brilliant thing about Titania McGrath, as the world just discovered last month, is that she is really the satirical invention of Andrew Doyle, a former Oxford postgraduate student and clearly a very clever man. The Guardian, the New Statesman, and other woke publications don’t think so. “Lampooning the language of social justice is a cheap shot,” according to The Guardian. The New Statesman, now that Titania (Queen of the Fairies in A Midsummer Night’s Dream) has unmasked himself as Andrew, concludes that his performance is a “tired and unfunny ‘joke’ ” that is “just the old sneering at the young.”

Oh, that’s all so January 2019!  As Titania would say, “keep up!”

If we allow “facts,” “logic” and “word definitions” to hold us back then we’ll exclude Titania’s excellent guidance from the public sphere.  Hey, that wouldn’t be inclusive!

So, in parting, as I walk fully conscious into the 21st century utopia, I leave you with these final words of wisdom from my woke guru Titania.

“I despise whiteness. Literally nothing about me is white except for my skin colour.”

“You’ll notice there’s not a single obese player in the England football team. This kind of discrimination is precisely why the fat acceptance movement is so essential.”

“Wearing a maga hat is a form of incitement to violence. So if someone punches you in the face for wearing one, that’s your fault.”

“Whenever anyone says that women aren’t funny, I take it as a compliment. Humour is a patriarchal construct.”

This woke (and loving it!)  author would like to apologize if they unintentionally upheld the patriarchal construct by causing any reader to laugh.

A Tutorial on “Wokeness” for Old White Men (2)

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How “woke” is our guru…this woke! “Men who are attracted to women clearly have feminine tastes and are therefore probably gay.” AND “It is absolutely essential that we believe Jussie Smollett. If we don’t, other people who haven’t been attacked might not have the courage to come forward.”

Titania McGrath: Our Woke Guru

Mcgrath-Side-1We old, white, unwoke men need a reliably woke guru to lead us into 21st century wisdom. The problem is that we are so stuck in ancient 20th century superstition that it’s almost impossible to wake up to all the new truth that’s been generated while we were slumbering.
I’m therefore so very thankful to have discovered Titania McGrath, who is the most woke Twitter personality of all time! As you can see for yourselves, McGrath has a gift for distilling the deepest truths of wokeness into pithy sayings that fit into things called “Tweets.” As near as I can tell “Tweets” are the 21st century equivalent of Homer’s Odyssey, Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the King James Bible. and Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago, Yes, you have to string lots of them together, but when done properly what emerges is each Tweeter’s truth disclosed in beauty and wisdom.  In fact, if Twitter would automatically add chapter and verse to each Tweet then every Tweeter could build their own personal Bible!  “My truth” in Tweet Scripture!
I simply didn’t realize that in the 21st century diversity means conformity, heterosexuality is evil (and unnecessary for humanity’s future!) and a man can rape a woman he’s never met!

Mcgrath-Side-2Once the easy concepts are understood the deeper truths of wokeness become a snap to grasp. For example, you can be simultaneously superior and oppressed without feeling any sense of nagging logical contradiction! I’ve also struggled for decades trying to understand why Socialism isn’t rejected by the supposedly educated only to finally have it beautifully explained by Titania!
What a wonderful, freeing feeling to realize that you no longer are tied down by “facts” and “logic” when deciding what’s good and true! In fact, it’s not just unnecessary, it’s absolutely evil to be bound by “facts” and “logic.”
By this transformational paradigm we can cease being old white men and start identifying as something else that’s cool, I mean woke…sorry for the brief slip.
Now that we have achieved wokeness it’s critical to understand that it’s a big job keeping up with the fast-evolving nature of this mental state. For example, what was “woke” yesterday might be “problematical” today and “pure evil” tomorrow. Therefore you’ll need to exercise those mental gymnastic muscles regularly. One good way to do this is by calling out the less woke among us. Following are Twitter engagements by our master guru that show how it’s done. Enjoy!

McGrath-Wide-1Once you’ve tied their pathetic evil arguments to Nazi Germany or Hitler they’re finished!

McGrath-Wide-2If words can mean anything you please then defeat is impossible!

McGrath-Wide-3

See how fast moving is the woke world!  What delivered plenty and comfort in the 20th century is now nonsense.

By the way, it turns out that the McGrath character isn’t necessarily what she seems on the surface. But I, the new woke person, will use all that she’s taught me to turn apparent (by logic that is) defeat into glorious woke victory!

A Tutorial on “Wokeness” for Old White Men (1)

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If you feel that, in some inexplicable but deep way, this is the universe trying to communicate something then this blog series is definitely for you!

Introduction

I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to sense that I’m not quite in sync with the 21st century.  Something just seems a bit “off” when I try to engage with  the younger generation of political activists.

I do take great comfort in knowing that even old white men from the “cool kids” party are having problems in this respect.

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Oh no! A major “woke fail” by a Democratic politician!

For example, take Democratic ex-Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper.  He’s old, he’s white and he’s male, so how to communicate his wokeness to the younger generation?  How about showing just how transgressive you are by admitting to taking your mother to the 1970’s porno break-out movie Deep Throat?

OK, that didn’t go over so well.  But he was given a golden opportunity to redeem himself when a CNN reporter pitched him a softball question on choosing a woman for a running

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Our woke betters pass judgement!

mate.  This poor old white man answered “Of course,” but then couldn’t stop himself from taking a dig at the woken army by a feeble attempt to turn the tables. “Well, I’ll ask you another question,” he said. “But how come we’re not asking, more often, the women, ‘Would you be willing to put a man on the ticket?’”  Oh boy, to imagine that you as a privileged old white guy have something to teach the woke generation is a monumental, campaign ending fail!

Now, some of you old white guys reading this may be thinking “Yea, that Hickenlooper guy may have screwed up, but me, I’m too hip to fail.” That may possibly be true (however the fact that you thought “hip” should give you great pause).  As for me, after spending the past 15 or so years saying things that to one group led to laughter and fun but to another pained perplexity if not outright disgust I finally focused my considerable powers of discernment on the simple question of why.  The the shocking answer is that at least 20 years of living separates the former from the latter group.

This epiphany led directly to a second question.  Given that surely there is a large population of old white guys out there who lack my incisive social sensitivity and deep self-awareness, how can they determine if they are unwoke like me?  After great intellectual struggle I concluded that the following is a reliable test.

GreenNewDeal01

My reaction was 1, 2, and 3.

Step 1: Read (or reread) this sentence from the original “Green New Deal,” FAQ, co-sponsored by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) and Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass.).

We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.

Step 2: Determine if at least one of the following reactions occurred:

  1. You went into an uncontrollable spasm of intense belly-laughter that lasted at least 90 seconds, followed by a brief moment of breath-catching and then back to belly-laughter.
  2. An icy, dreadful fear gripped your heart at the thought that a sentence of such monumental, blithering stupidity could have been composed by the offices of a U.S. Representative and Senator and then released to the public.
  3. You experienced an irresistible compulsion to send this sentence to everyone in your social sphere accompanied by sophisticated commentary such as 😜.

If you answered “yes” for a reaction similar to even one of these three then you, sir, are an unwoke old white man!  If two or more of these reactions occurred then please seek psychological help as soon as possible.

So then, if you like me have come to the terrible realization that you are an unwoke old white guy living in a wondrous new woke century, then what to do?  Fortunately I have found a wise guru who can lead us into the blazing sunlight of 21st century wokeness.   Stay tuned!

A Modest Overture to the 224th General Assembly (1b)

Presbytery-of Gaia

This is not as far removed from the current PCUSA situation (for example see here, here and here) that one would hope.

On Bringing our Book of Confessions into the Post-Christian PC(USA) Era — from the Presbytery of Gaia

Rationale

For the fifty years after acceptance of the Confession of 1967 the PC(USA) has dragged all of the Confessions that preceded it along like anchors.  Until 2011 this ruse may have been necessary to maintain quiescence of the denomination’s majority of orthodox-minded members.  However, with the Progressive victories on gay ordination and marriage we have successfully driven most of these orthodox-minded members either out of the denomination or into a state of fearful submission to our victorious ideology.

Glorious-Exit

This is actual PCUSA data.

Between 2011 and 2017 the PC(USA) experienced a net loss of 601,000 members and 1146 churches. Thus, over this period the denomination lost a net of almost 30% of its membership and almost 12% of its churches.  The majority of these losses were the orthodox Reformed members and churches that had held us back and that continued to value the pre-1967 Confessions.  Thus this glorious exit of irredeemable members and churches has freed the PC(USA) from the dead hand of orthodox Reformed Christianity!

Glorious-Exit2

This is actual PCUSA data.

In 2013 the PC(USA) had 1086 Ministry Candidates.  The very next year, 2014, this number fell by almost 50% to 562.  Can there be any doubt that this sudden flight to the exits was by candidates who had orthodox Christian beliefs that were supported by our outdated and destructive historic Confessions?  Thus, in a single year, we “Purposeful Progressives” (see below) gloriously emptied our denomination’s seminaries of virtually all orthodox Christians!

These results are a great victory for our self-described strategy of exclusion and submission, which we acknowledged in “When We Gather at the Table: A PC(USA) Snapshot” as the “Purposeful Progressives” (emphasis added, note that this is a true quote from an official PCUSA document, not made-up satirical quote).

They are less tolerant of conservative theologies within the denomination. Some remain hopeful that conservatives who are upset with the 221st General Assembly (2014) decisions on marriage will see that there are different ways to interpret scripture, and will choose to stay and accept the changes, over time. Others would simply be happy if the conservatives left the PC(USA), and a few offered suggestions for helping dissenting congregations to leave the denomination with grace and dignity.

Now that, through our fierce commitment to inclusiveness, we have successfully driven out most of the irredeemable theological members, churches and ministry candidates there is no longer a need to maintain the pretense that the pre-1967 Confessions (and the Brief Statement of Faith) have the slightest relevance to our wondrous post-Christian denominational future.  In order to more efficiently and effectively pursue this goal we must cast off these fraudulent documents.  Eventually the Confession of 1967 itself may need go be deleted, as its problematical tangental relationship to past Christian orthodoxy becomes an impediment achieving our ultimate goals.

As itemized in the Overture, this result has already happened in effect.  In order to grasp our glorious future as co-comrades with the gods we must have the courage to cut loose these worse than useless monument-anchors.  Then we can openly proclaim our post-Christian message without confusion or constraint.

We have demonstrated the will to power necessary to drive out or subdue the morally and spiritually inferior (i.e., those who lack our blessed gnosis) among us.  Let’s now, together, take the next and necessary step to cement our future in post-Christianity!

A Modest Overture to the 224th General Assembly (1a)

Presbytery-of GaiaOn Bringing our Book of Confessions into the Post-Christian PC(USA) Era — from the Presbytery of Gaia

Overture

The Presbytery of Gaia respectfully overtures the 224th General Assembly (2020) to make the following statement:

Because

  • The Confession of 1967 was, by the admission of its primary authors, intended to directly contradict the Westminster Confession on numerous central doctrinal points and generally demotes the historic Confessions to “monuments.” See that in The Proposal to Revise the Confessional Position of the United Presbyterian Church in the U.S.A., Edward A. Dowey, Jr., chairman of the committee that composed The Confession of 1967, writes: “A statement that is appropriate and powerful in its own day may fail to guide the church after some decades or centuries have gone by. It comes to resemble a monument marking the past more than a tool for present work.” (pp. 20, 21).
  • The PC(USA) has redefined the meaning of “Christian Marriage” in the Book of Order without changing the definition of marriage in any of the historic Confessions from the PC(USA)’s Book of Confessions.  As one example see the Westminster Confession, Chapter XXIV: “Of Marriage and Divorce 1. Christian marriage is an institution ordained of God, blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ, established and sanctified for the happiness and welfare of mankind, into which spiritual and physical union one man and one woman enter, cherishing a mutual esteem and love, bearing with each other’s infirmities and weaknesses, comforting each other in trouble, providing in honesty and industry for each other and for their household, praying for each other, and living together the length of their days as heirs of the grace of life.”  This decision officially confirms the irrelevance of all the historic Confessions for Biblical interpretation or theological guidance.
  • The Senior Pastor of the Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago, one of the largest and most influential churches in the PC(USA), in a 2018 interview denied the nature of God as defined in all of the historic Confessions, from the Nicene Creed to The Theological Declaration of Barmen by declaring that “God’s not a Christian . . . We are.”
  • The Ordination Vows for Officers have become impossible to uphold in clear conscience given that at least two distinct and contradictory sets of doctrine are contained in the Book of Confessions.

The 224th General Assembly (2020) therefore decrees that all Confessions in the Book of Confessions are null and void “as authentic and reliable expositions of what Scripture leads us to believe and do” except for the Confession of 1967 and the Confession of Belhar. An updated Book of Confessions that includes only the Confession of 1967 and the Confession of Belhar will therefore be generated and distributed.  All current and future Officers will be instructed to use only the Confession of 1967 and the Confession of Belhar until such time as a new Confession is added to this new Book of Confessions or the Confession of 1967, having served its historic purpose, is also eventually removed.