Mark Steyn was a guest on the Tucker Carlson Show last night. One topic of discussion was what should replace the statues that are being vandalized and pulled down throughout the nation. Mark proposed that they keep the back end of the horse for the Theodore Roosevelt statue as a fitting commentary on the passiveness or even encouragement that so many “conservative” politicians and organizations have shown for the violent riots.
That Mark’s genius suggestion inspired this Mark’s meager attempt to visualize the result.
It appears that the main thing that most of our “conservative” politicians and organizations are seeking to conserve is their gravy train jobs and social status. To that small minority of conservatives (and liberals and libertarians and independents) who have joined the fight to protect and preserve our Republic, take heart and know that millions of Americans appreciate your courage.
The Burning Question
We “commoners” operate under the distinct disadvantage of not spending every waking hour planning the destruction of our political “enemies.” As discussed in a previous post we just have so many priorities and interests other than the achievement of raw power over others.
We are currently a nation splintered into contending groups who appear to have lost the ability to communicate, let alone cooperate, with each other. These groups can often (there are numerous exceptions) be be roughly divided into two primary camps.
The first is populated by people who tend to define themselves by associations and interests outside the realm of politics. To them, though politics may be an important part of life, other domains like faith, family, neighbors, sports, etc. have clear priority. Although there is no agreed name for this group, I’ll refer to them as the “commoners.” This is justified not by any presumption of lower ability or value, but rather by the fact that they see themselves as part of a common heritage and culture. Thus, they have appreciation for the nation and those through whom it was formed and maintained. If there is a central organizing principle for this camp it is opposition to the idea that the nation must be “fundamentally transformed” in order for it to be valued.
So the question burning in my mind has been:
How can we “commoners” be motivated to set aside all of our sensible other interests for long enough to repulse the proto-totalitarian Progressive project?
A Possible Answer
In this time when family gatherings, church attendance, sports and all other normal human interests have been removed, I simply ask you to focus on these elite Progressive betters revealing their actual mental prowess.
So, here’s my motivational statement to we “commoners” in this time of political peril.
Do we want history to record that we were defeated by “elites” who demonstrated this level of mental acuity?
Never before in our nation’s history has the ridiculous and despicable merged so inseparably. Thank goodness that the Babylon Bee is here to capture this situation in all its pathetic glory.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his opening statement at Trump’s impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.
Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election.
Some wags are now saying: “The Babylon Bee has become America’s newspaper of record.” As I have previously pointed out, it has become almost impossible for a parody site to stay ahead of the insanity that grips our supposed elite Progressive class. Or, as well put by another parody genius across the pond: “Keep up!”
The First Ever Winner!
I’ve decided to institute a new award: The Janus Award for Projection and Hypocrisy. This surely to be coveted award’s description is as follows.
This award is bestowed upon an individual, group or organization that demonstrates such blazingly obvious public projection and/or hypocrisy in their behavior and/or beliefs that they become a role-model to which other moral frauds can aspire!
Now I understand that by virtue of their shameless practice of projection and hypocrisy Progressives will have an unfair advantage, yet I hold this honor open to any and all who achieve true greatness in these essential 21st century skills.
Introducing the First Ever Winner!
You may be surprised to note that this award’s inaugural winner has demonstrated only one of the two defining categories: hypocrisy. However, her 17 word and 3 hashtag tweet has created hypocrisy of such monumental density that it has achieved Neutron Star status. Had she employed only one less word or hashtag the density would have created a Black Hole of hypocrisy that disappeared from our universe entirely!
Who but a 21st century woke genius could manage to engage in “virtue signaling” while encouraging a presidential assassination? She also has connected the murder of another human being with the concept “kindness” through her text and hashtags!
Progressives across the world must have fallen to their knees before this display of pure vile hatred packaged as a morally superior call for kindness!
Heather, you will be a hard act to follow!
A Denomination’s Debacle
This book is an indictment of the leadership elite who have driven the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), or PCUSA, into an utter debacle.
The most visible aspect of this debacle is the unprecedented loss of membership and churches that occurred between 2011 and 2017. Over that time span the PCUSA experienced a net loss of 601,000 members and 1146 churches, which is almost 30% of its membership and almost 12% of its churches. But these numbers don’t capture the human cost in broken trust, lost faith and shattered relationships that has occurred behind the scenes.
What remains is a denomination dominated by a post-Christian elite who use their power to advance a social gospel that is virtually indistinguishable from the secular Progressive political project. To some readers this charge against the PCUSA leadership will seem to be not just extraordinary, but also unbelievable. This book contains the extraordinary evidence that justifies the charge.
The reader may well ask why I feel compelled to tell this story. I do so for three reasons.
First, the elite denominational leadership has obtained this end under the cloak of purposeful deception. This deception is not found in their policy and theological positions. No, they have aggressively advanced their cause with general honesty. The deception is that they claim to have been doing so as a legitimate expression of orthodox Reformed Christianity. By so doing they have preyed with premeditation and malice upon the trust of the denomination’s parishioners. We will never recover from this spell unless the truth is exposed.
Second, there are still many faithful members and churches in the PCUSA. However, unless they fully understand the forces arrayed against them they will likely eventually succumb. Only if they understand that their presence in the denomination is as a light shining in the darkness can they be protected from the apostasy and heresy that surrounds them. That understanding is what sustained the Apostles and early Christians as they proclaimed the Gospel as isolated individuals and churches in the pagan Roman Empire. The challenge we face is far less extreme. Yet, if we prioritize the comfort and peace of our lives over our responsibilities as followers of Christ even the small courage required will elude us.
Finally, the forces that have corrupted the PCUSA act upon our general culture and thus are not unique to this denomination. Therefore, we can expect that other churches and denominations are struggling under the same theological onslaught as has laid the PCUSA low. Thus this book attempts to explain these forces and how a corrupt leadership can by deception and seduction smuggle false theology into an otherwise orthodox Christian fellowship.
Table of Contents
Putting My New Wokeness into Practice
Ok, so to you poor sleeping old white men out there the discovery that our woke guru isn’t actually:
“a radical intersectionalist poet committed to feminism, social justice, and armed peaceful protest. A regular on the live-slam poetry scene, Titania regularly performs at arts festivals, deconsecrated churches, and genderqueer spiritual retreats.”
but is rather:
the satirical invention of Andrew Doyle, a former Oxford postgraduate student
completely discredits “her” guidance.
But, now that I’m hip to woke I don’t see why anything should change. After all, I can choose “my truth” to be that Andrew Doyle actually identifies as a woke gay white woman. Therefore (s)he is no less a credible source for politically correct guidance than is anyone else! After all, we all know that gender is just a social construct and that words have no fixed meaning. So, what does it even mean that Andrew Doyle is a “man” or that he(?) meant Titania to be a “satirical invention?” I choose to believe that Titania is just Andrew’s true self fighting to become free of all gender-normative, heterocentric, and racial constraints. You go Titania!
And so, I hereby claim that I’m far more woke than the drowsy old rags who took exception to Titania’s brilliance:
The absolutely brilliant thing about Titania McGrath, as the world just discovered last month, is that she is really the satirical invention of Andrew Doyle, a former Oxford postgraduate student and clearly a very clever man. The Guardian, the New Statesman, and other woke publications don’t think so. “Lampooning the language of social justice is a cheap shot,” according to The Guardian. The New Statesman, now that Titania (Queen of the Fairies in A Midsummer Night’s Dream) has unmasked himself as Andrew, concludes that his performance is a “tired and unfunny ‘joke’ ” that is “just the old sneering at the young.”
Oh, that’s all so January 2019! As Titania would say, “keep up!”
If we allow “facts,” “logic” and “word definitions” to hold us back then we’ll exclude Titania’s excellent guidance from the public sphere. Hey, that wouldn’t be inclusive!
So, in parting, as I walk fully conscious into the 21st century utopia, I leave you with these final words of wisdom from my woke guru Titania.
“I despise whiteness. Literally nothing about me is white except for my skin colour.”
“You’ll notice there’s not a single obese player in the England football team. This kind of discrimination is precisely why the fat acceptance movement is so essential.”
“Wearing a maga hat is a form of incitement to violence. So if someone punches you in the face for wearing one, that’s your fault.”
“Whenever anyone says that women aren’t funny, I take it as a compliment. Humour is a patriarchal construct.”
This woke (and loving it!) author would like to apologize if they unintentionally upheld the patriarchal construct by causing any reader to laugh.
Titania McGrath: Our Woke Guru
We old, white, unwoke men need a reliably woke guru to lead us into 21st century wisdom. The problem is that we are so stuck in ancient 20th century superstition that it’s almost impossible to wake up to all the new truth that’s been generated while we were slumbering.
I’m therefore so very thankful to have discovered Titania McGrath, who is the most woke Twitter personality of all time! As you can see for yourselves, McGrath has a gift for distilling the deepest truths of wokeness into pithy sayings that fit into things called “Tweets.” As near as I can tell “Tweets” are the 21st century equivalent of Homer’s Odyssey, Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the King James Bible. and Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago, Yes, you have to string lots of them together, but when done properly what emerges is each Tweeter’s truth disclosed in beauty and wisdom. In fact, if Twitter would automatically add chapter and verse to each Tweet then every Tweeter could build their own personal Bible! “My truth” in Tweet Scripture!
I simply didn’t realize that in the 21st century diversity means conformity, heterosexuality is evil (and unnecessary for humanity’s future!) and a man can rape a woman he’s never met!
Once the easy concepts are understood the deeper truths of wokeness become a snap to grasp. For example, you can be simultaneously superior and oppressed without feeling any sense of nagging logical contradiction! I’ve also struggled for decades trying to understand why Socialism isn’t rejected by the supposedly educated only to finally have it beautifully explained by Titania!
What a wonderful, freeing feeling to realize that you no longer are tied down by “facts” and “logic” when deciding what’s good and true! In fact, it’s not just unnecessary, it’s absolutely evil to be bound by “facts” and “logic.”
By this transformational paradigm we can cease being old white men and start identifying as something else that’s cool, I mean woke…sorry for the brief slip.
Now that we have achieved wokeness it’s critical to understand that it’s a big job keeping up with the fast-evolving nature of this mental state. For example, what was “woke” yesterday might be “problematical” today and “pure evil” tomorrow. Therefore you’ll need to exercise those mental gymnastic muscles regularly. One good way to do this is by calling out the less woke among us. Following are Twitter engagements by our master guru that show how it’s done. Enjoy!
Once you’ve tied their pathetic evil arguments to Nazi Germany or Hitler they’re finished!
If words can mean anything you please then defeat is impossible!
See how fast moving is the woke world! What delivered plenty and comfort in the 20th century is now nonsense.
By the way, it turns out that the McGrath character isn’t necessarily what she seems on the surface. But I, the new woke person, will use all that she’s taught me to turn apparent (by logic that is) defeat into glorious woke victory!
I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to sense that I’m not quite in sync with the 21st century. Something just seems a bit “off” when I try to engage with the younger generation of political activists.
I do take great comfort in knowing that even old white men from the “cool kids” party are having problems in this respect.
For example, take Democratic ex-Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper. He’s old, he’s white and he’s male, so how to communicate his wokeness to the younger generation? How about showing just how transgressive you are by admitting to taking your mother to the 1970’s porno break-out movie Deep Throat?
OK, that didn’t go over so well. But he was given a golden opportunity to redeem himself when a CNN reporter pitched him a softball question on choosing a woman for a running
mate. This poor old white man answered “Of course,” but then couldn’t stop himself from taking a dig at the woken army by a feeble attempt to turn the tables. “Well, I’ll ask you another question,” he said. “But how come we’re not asking, more often, the women, ‘Would you be willing to put a man on the ticket?’” Oh boy, to imagine that you as a privileged old white guy have something to teach the woke generation is a monumental, campaign ending fail!
Now, some of you old white guys reading this may be thinking “Yea, that Hickenlooper guy may have screwed up, but me, I’m too hip to fail.” That may possibly be true (however the fact that you thought “hip” should give you great pause). As for me, after spending the past 15 or so years saying things that to one group led to laughter and fun but to another pained perplexity if not outright disgust I finally focused my considerable powers of discernment on the simple question of why. The the shocking answer is that at least 20 years of living separates the former from the latter group.
This epiphany led directly to a second question. Given that surely there is a large population of old white guys out there who lack my incisive social sensitivity and deep self-awareness, how can they determine if they are unwoke like me? After great intellectual struggle I concluded that the following is a reliable test.
Step 1: Read (or reread) this sentence from the original “Green New Deal,” FAQ, co-sponsored by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) and Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass.).
We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.
Step 2: Determine if at least one of the following reactions occurred:
- You went into an uncontrollable spasm of intense belly-laughter that lasted at least 90 seconds, followed by a brief moment of breath-catching and then back to belly-laughter.
- An icy, dreadful fear gripped your heart at the thought that a sentence of such monumental, blithering stupidity could have been composed by the offices of a U.S. Representative and Senator and then released to the public.
- You experienced an irresistible compulsion to send this sentence to everyone in your social sphere accompanied by sophisticated commentary such as 😜.
If you answered “yes” for a reaction similar to even one of these three then you, sir, are an unwoke old white man! If two or more of these reactions occurred then please seek psychological help as soon as possible.
So then, if you like me have come to the terrible realization that you are an unwoke old white guy living in a wondrous new woke century, then what to do? Fortunately I have found a wise guru who can lead us into the blazing sunlight of 21st century wokeness. Stay tuned!