I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to sense that I’m not quite in sync with the 21st century. Something just seems a bit “off” when I try to engage with the younger generation of political activists.
I do take great comfort in knowing that even old white men from the “cool kids” party are having problems in this respect.
For example, take Democratic ex-Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper. He’s old, he’s white and he’s male, so how to communicate his wokeness to the younger generation? How about showing just how transgressive you are by admitting to taking your mother to the 1970’s porno break-out movie Deep Throat?
OK, that didn’t go over so well. But he was given a golden opportunity to redeem himself when a CNN reporter pitched him a softball question on choosing a woman for a running
mate. This poor old white man answered “Of course,” but then couldn’t stop himself from taking a dig at the woken army by a feeble attempt to turn the tables. “Well, I’ll ask you another question,” he said. “But how come we’re not asking, more often, the women, ‘Would you be willing to put a man on the ticket?’” Oh boy, to imagine that you as a privileged old white guy have something to teach the woke generation is a monumental, campaign ending fail!
Now, some of you old white guys reading this may be thinking “Yea, that Hickenlooper guy may have screwed up, but me, I’m too hip to fail.” That may possibly be true (however the fact that you thought “hip” should give you great pause). As for me, after spending the past 15 or so years saying things that to one group led to laughter and fun but to another pained perplexity if not outright disgust I finally focused my considerable powers of discernment on the simple question of why. The the shocking answer is that at least 20 years of living separates the former from the latter group.
This epiphany led directly to a second question. Given that surely there is a large population of old white guys out there who lack my incisive social sensitivity and deep self-awareness, how can they determine if they are unwoke like me? After great intellectual struggle I concluded that the following is a reliable test.
Step 1: Read (or reread) this sentence from the original “Green New Deal,” FAQ, co-sponsored by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) and Sen. Edward Markey (D-Mass.).
We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.
Step 2: Determine if at least one of the following reactions occurred:
- You went into an uncontrollable spasm of intense belly-laughter that lasted at least 90 seconds, followed by a brief moment of breath-catching and then back to belly-laughter.
- An icy, dreadful fear gripped your heart at the thought that a sentence of such monumental, blithering stupidity could have been composed by the offices of a U.S. Representative and Senator and then released to the public.
- You experienced an irresistible compulsion to send this sentence to everyone in your social sphere accompanied by sophisticated commentary such as 😜.
If you answered “yes” for a reaction similar to even one of these three then you, sir, are an unwoke old white man! If two or more of these reactions occurred then please seek psychological help as soon as possible.
So then, if you like me have come to the terrible realization that you are an unwoke old white guy living in a wondrous new woke century, then what to do? Fortunately I have found a wise guru who can lead us into the blazing sunlight of 21st century wokeness. Stay tuned!